TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can don robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he really should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery Trump Tower Damascus analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort wherever my PTSD might have flip-down services."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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